This week is not turning out to be one of my finest. Ok, so maybe this entire year. I find myself becoming a little more cynical and despondent each day. I am fighting it though! I am constantly calling on lessons my parents taught me on how to stay strong and focused.
But I still lose sight now and then. By lose sight, I mean I forget that life is a lesson in and of itself and it is in a constant state of change. When I start to resist that change, is when I fall short of who I know I can be.
I knew that life in another country was going to be a challenge and way out of my comfort zone. I can handle both of those things (now). I just had no idea how MUCH of a challenge even the day to day things could be. I had no idea how much I would have to push to the back of my mind to get through these 3 long years. My marriage is slowly beginning to mend, but each step seems to be more precarious than the last.
After 2 solid years of no breaks, no release, no outlet all that is starting to creep to the forefront. So to combat that, I am changing and working at the only things that are in my power. And that is my self-image and spiritual well being. This place, true to form, doesn’t make either of those things easy either! There isn’t even a church service that my family can attend. 3 years working on my husband to get him to open up to the idea of organized religion and I hit a brick wall. Long story/rant about why no church, but that’s another time.
The self image is slow going as well. I have just fallen so far, it’s hard to see the top anymore. The weight is very slow to come off. Motivation is hard to find.
Our finances are focused on getting us debt free for the next few years, so mostly all I can do is window shop and that’s OK with me! I know that in the long run, it’s the best step for my family. I know that once all this is settled we will have what we NEED as well as what we WANT. It’s hard not to “covet” though! I mean who doesn’t like to keep up with the Jones’ a little? Don’t lie. Our lifestyle is minimal to say the least right now. It’s freeing and oppressive all rolled into one. We will have a yard for Alek one day, Keith and I will be able to take care of ourselves again one day, we will have two cars again one day, and I will be able to see my family whenever I want one day.
For now, I’ll stick to the only thing I can fix. And that’s my heart. I found this verse today and it spoke volumes to me. If I can give myself and my family a solid foundation to build on, “one day” when life is a little more-well, MORE, I draw strength from all that we are facing today and know that we have always been truly blessed.
Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel— rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God.~ 1 Peter 3:3-4
8 Finally, all of you be of one mind, having compassion for one another; love as brothers, be tenderhearted, be courteous; 9 not returning evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary blessing, knowing that you were called to this, that you may inherit a blessing. 10 For
“ He who would love life
And see good days,
Let him refrain his tongue from evil,
And his lips from speaking deceit.
11 Let him turn away from evil and do good;
Let him seek peace and pursue it.
I have been studying what the Bible has to say about marriage and plan to write more about what I am learning soon.